THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
