LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
