Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
