I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
