Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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