Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
