My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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