We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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