I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
