My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
