lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
