SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
