So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
