Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
