I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
