dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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