Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
