I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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