i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
