apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
