Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
