I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
