4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You pole danced in your parka.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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