I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
