Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
