just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
