yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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