woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
