she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
