First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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