I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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