I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
