Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
