I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
