Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
