You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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