I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
