in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
