guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i love accidental penises.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
