i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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