I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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