well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
