my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
