the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
