fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
