My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
