I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
