Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
