Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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