saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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