Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize