Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
