...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
