Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize