I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize