This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
