Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
