Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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