i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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