Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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