i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize